job woes.

so in the latest bit of carrot dangling and/or threatening, there is now a possibility I'll be shipped to anchorage as a "promotion"... I guess our anchorage store recently lost about six of its crew to a competitor, and will need to restock itself. because I'm management training, I could potentially be tapped for the "opportunity"...

I'm 99% sure anchorage would be a bad idea. for one thing, it's really bloody cold. and dark six months of the year. and a bazillion miles away from my family, or civilisation for that matter... I think the cost of living has come down to a more reasonable rate, but it's still not promising. they'd have to offer me a HELLUVA lot of money to make me consider it. plus, who knows what miyuki would do up there...

in other news, I spent an hour today filling out an application for my former employer, the sno-isle liberry system. they have an HR position open in marysville. commute would suck ass, but the money is as good as I make now, there's better long term potential, and the job would be 100x less stressful. I even faxed it in from work. long distance.

I'm bad.

the joys of living on the affluent eastside.

it's midnight. I should have been asleep two hours ago. I should be at work in seven hours.

yet I'm wide awake. why?

the building behind me features a pair of drunk white trash morons who like to scream at each other at the top of their lungs. and what's even better is every other word seems to be "fuck"... I've also noticed an alarming trend that it seems to be this type of person, and only this type of person, who uses the word "copacetic"... it's like the staple white trash "big word"...

I've debated calling the cops, but I know if I do, they'll shut up and it'll just get me in trouble... thought about just screaming out the window for them to shut the hell up, but that's an even worse idea.

and if I weren't trying to sleep, I'd probably be amused by the jecklers they've got. the college kids downstairs are out on their patio, shouting things like "show us your boobs!" at the furious drunken white trash wench...

the eastside is supposed to be classy. rich yuppies live here and drive up the cost of living. so why the hell are these assholes a mere fifty feet away from my bedroom? and of course it's hotter than blazes so everyone has their windows open...

I really hate people.

altruistic selfishness.

stopped tonight at target to pick up a couple cleaning supplies. I don't think my toilet had been cleaned in months and it was gross, so I got a toilet brush and some other crap.

picked the checkout lane with the pierced gen y looking girl, 'cos I figure they're usually the least likely to care about their jobs, and thus won't hassle you.

I'm paying for my shit, and she gives me the spiel about getting their card, blah blah blah. I tell her I don't want it, and she gives me the secondary argument of "1.5% of your purchase will go to the school of your choice." I point out the debit card I'm using already does this.

her response? "meh."

I find this amusing... she's trying to hit her quota (and I really do pity the retail people who have to hit those damn quotas, it's not they're fault they're so annoying), and tries to appeal to my sympathy towards children... yet she's completely unimpressed when I counter that I'm ALREADY doing that. it's awesome. especially since I really don't give a shit about kids, I just roll mine over to my nephews' school because it's free and the bank would do it anyway...

that's about right...

when I turned ten back in the summer of '87, two weeks after school had finished for the year, I invited every one of my classmates, thirty or so in all. one kid showed up, because his mother forced him to, and he left twenty minutes later. I didn't even like the kid, he was just given an invitation along with everyone else in my class.

it would be nice to think that since I was ten, times have changed. birthdays have become more sophisticated. people less cruel. skins thicker. instincts more developed. but there seems to be an element of that afternoon in every birthday that's happened to me since. all my birthday memories are a scrambled version of that tenth one.

yeah yeah, cruelly ripped from hornby/cusack. fuck off, it fits.

I don't like making a big deal out of birthdays. mostly because they're always horrible. however, I did mention to my coworkers that it would be nice to go out for a beer after work, sit at the bar for an hour or so, try to enjoy myself.

every single coworker bailed on me. all twelve of them. I guess I know what they really think of me. not that I didn't know before, but I had half hoped they'd at least pretend for an hour or so that they thought I was an okay guy.

and to top it all off, I got stuck at work waiting for the last driver to get back to base. I couldn't even leave on time.

so now I'm gonna go home, drink a pint of vodka, do some laundry and watch sports night...

mountain 1, fat stupid american 0

lots of stuff done today, most of it disappointing.

miyuki and I ventured out to lonsdale quay for lunch. I got to ride the seabus for the first time. it was terribly exciting. we looked at the shops and then got lunch at the cheshire cheese. I got bangers and mash. they were okay. bangers were a little overcooked, and the mash was far too plentiful. I only ate half of the tatoes. the pint of sleeman was good tho, I never get sleeman in the states. miyuki got eggs benny and totally ruined them by getting tomatoes on them...

then we headed up to grouse mountain to attempt the grind. we had been informed by the creepy guy at the game shot at lonsdale quay that britney spears recently "jogged" up the grind. this was depressing to me, as I knew it would mean britney spears has accomplished something relatively routine that I most likely would not.

we didn't even make it to the quarter way marker. some jackass had told me I would only need a litre of water, whereas I had planned on thrice that much. I ended up opting for a litre of water and nearly as much gatorade for each of us. it was gone by the time we turned back. said jackass then said," you didn't ration your water well enough!" he doesn't seem to realise us fat guys sweat a lot. so I failed miserably on my first attempt. which isn't surprising, considering I've only been on one hik in the past decade, and it was nowhere near as rigourous as the grind.

just for an added bonus, I got severely car sick on the trip home. it was to the point I was praying for death to make the nausea stop. I've never been comfortable on transit. but the combination of hot bus on a winding road with no ventilation, and just having my ass kicked by the stairway to hell, was enough to make me really ill. I thought I was going to puke on the damn bus... came home and crashed for two hours before I could even muster a shower.

have had a headache ever since, but I'm sure part of that was due to lack of caffeine. finally had some cherry coke around 8pm, but I don't think it was enough.

tonight miyuki and I went to the nightmarket with bob and alex. bob tricked us into trying dragon's beard candy. horrible stuff, worst cottonmouth I've EVER had. got a pretty good vietnamese sammich, really bad gyoza (tasted frighteningly fishy, but I haven't gotten sick yet), and some nummy mini donuts. in hindsight I should have opted for the four pork buns for $2.0 instead of the gyoza. I'm very picky about my gyoza. probably because shellfish of any sort makes me violently ill. and I'm not a huge fan of fish in general, usually sticking to tuna, cod or salmon and rarely straying...

now it's bedtime. I'm hoping the worst of my birthday curse is over, left on the mountain with so much of my sweat and pride. unfortunately, I've still got two more days of potential badness. we'll see. miyuki's parents are making sushi tomorrow. I'm frightened of the "cheese rolls" she keeps telling me about...

can anyone spot the trend?

birthdate of your humble narrator: 27 june

may and june 2003 - then-wife reveals her sexual preference would involve anything other than me, asks for a divorce.

june 27, 2004 - my 58 day old car is smashed into by a woman running a stop sign. $2500 in damage, and the car has never been the same since.

june 23, 2005 - GMAC calls me AT WORK to tell me ex-wife has not paid car payment in two months, and would I please give them my chequing account info so they can debit the $629.10 from my account, right now? am told she is two weeks away from repossession, which will result in a bill for the fees required to get the car ($500 minimum) plus whatever they can't recoup of the deficiency (currently $5400).

birthdays and me do not get along. period.

finally got word from the damn ex, since she wouldn't answer her phone, I sent her a nasty-gram in email. some of her nuggets of wisdom:

"I just made a payment by phone. There's also one in
the mail. You want to continue freaking out, fine. But
leave me out of it." - being told you owe over $600 IMMEDIATELY isn't a cause for "freaking out"? called GMAC back, and there's no record of her payment, either. will check again in the morning.

"I don't give you "WARNING" about my financial issues
because you know what, it's not your problem." - except it's negatively impacting my credit rating every time she does it...

"Your name may be on
that loan, but I've paid for MY car without your help
for 2 over years." - sure, if we don't count the three times they've reported a past due payment, and the other half dozen late payments and the resulting $29 late fee...

"Money is not the be-all end-all of existence. The bill
is paid, go on with your life." - money may not be everything, but it's damn important. and I won't be owning my own home until 2012 because of her. nor will I be buying a new car, getting any credit cards, etc...

it just keeps getting better...

GMAC is now harassing me at work because my fucking ex-wife hasn't paid her car payment in two months. I need to give them $630 by tomorrow or very bad things will begin to happen. I don't have $630 just lying around to bail her out.

I can't get ahold of her. I don't know where she lives, and she never answers her phone. she won't respond to email and I'm at a loss as to what I should do. left a message for her mom, but that won't do much good. her mom doesn't have any money...

I'm about ready to tell GMAC to just repossess the damn car. it's not like it can get much worse for me...

hokey religions and ancient weapons...

you can't advance scientific understanding there, it's god's house!

good grief.

ipod spookiness.

I have eight hundred songs on my ipod mini. I have it set to random. the last three songs it's played:

hyper-ballad - bjork
all is full of love - death cab for cutie
such great heights - postal service

how's that for a segue?

and I don't care what anyone thinks, such great heights is the all time greatest song ever written. always manages to make me happy. even after the insomnia I had last night (went to bed at 9:30, was still awake four hours later and I was exhausted), I can't help feeling good listening to this song...

pissing in the gene pool.

further proof that I'm dead inside: I've been repulsed by news stories involving children.

am I the only one that questions the "miraculous" nature of that kid in utah being rescued after wandering around in the woods for four days? the fucking kid was HIDING from the search parties. I'm not sure who I want to blame for that, the stupid kid or his stupid parents who have the kid so utterly paranoid of "stranger danger" that he won't even ask for help when he direly needs it.

a local story on the news last night was also talking about a two year old kid who locked himself in a parked car tuesday. it was 85 degrees that day. and I believe the kid was locked in the scorching car for two hours. again, stupid parents, but what kind of fucking kid can LOCK a door but not unlock it? and why did he not realise instantly that he shouldn't be sitting in a car that was well over a hundred degrees on the inside?

I figure in both cases, the survival of the child is horrible for humanity in general. be it the fault of the parents or the children, their survival means this idiocy is just going to be passed on to future generations. modern society has gone too far in coddling morons. these people need to be pruned from our family tree.

yeah yeah, I'm an asshole.

another shitty day in the shitty life.

skank dispatcher showed up for work today wearing yesterclothes again. she was last seen last night leaving with boss. I really want to harass her about this, but I know it'll just get me in trouble. ironic, no? also want to bug boss about giving her a damn drawer at his place, so she can actually wear clean clothes the next day...

the hvac outside salesman next door is so completely chris finch from the office. he's a sleazy wanna-be know-it-all that makes really bad jokes.

I'm getting really sick of my job. all I'm supposed to do is maintain about $1.5 million in inventory. seems simple, right? you buy product, you sell product. problem is, I have twelve variables to deal with... drivers who damage material while delivering it. sales staff ordering shit when they shouldn't be. warehouse monkeys losing or mis-receiving or mis-picking product. branch people complaining we don't have enough product. corporate people complaining we have too much. it's the ultimate thankless job. you do your job 100% accurate, you never hear a word. you fuck up, and they never shut up.

sad thing is, I'm actually considered a good PA by company standards, too. been doing this a little over a year, and I'm considered one of the top people in the position (there are about fifty of us, including many who have been doing this ten or even twenty years). I don't know if I can do this for twenty more years, much less thirty. and yet I've lost all desire to move further up the ladder...

thinking when miyuki and I move to canada in a couple years, I need to find a completely different type of job...

a hairy predicament.

I've gotta decide if I really want to try to grow my hair out. this is about as far as I've ever gotten (three, maybe four inches on top)... I'm getting too old for hippy haircuts anyway. and too many more days like this (mid 80s today, and I don't do well with heat) and I'll be trying to shave all my hair, not just that on my head...

right now, it looks like shit. there's not much I can do with it, and I have no guarantees it'll get more manageable once it gets longer. I've never had long hair and really have no idea how I'd look with it. I've always been much more comfortable with a very short crew cut, say a quarter inch? but I also feel like I'm getting too old for that, too. I need to find a real, "grown up" hairstyle I can manage with a minimum of effort and still look somewhat professional in...

blah.

blah.

been in a rut lately. not really sure why. work has been annoying me, so I didn't go in today. slept in instead, did some chores around the house, ran some errands... just needed a day away from the office where I wouldn't have to do anything. yeah, the weekend is a couple days away, but with miyuki and I in different countries, our weekends aren't exactly relaxing. we always try to cram everything into those two days. this weekend, for instance, we're going to see two movies (batman and howl's moving castle), and probably going for sushi as well. I'm hoping to save money this weekend, so I'll probably be cooking more than normal too.

I've been on a bit of a half-assed health kick lately too. still not exercising much, which is bad. but I am trying to eat better. been eating a lot of tofu over the past few months, and have made dinner out of a giant bowl of edamame several times. I've been trying to eat more fish and less red meat, and when I order pizza I usually stick to just cheese and veggies. today I bought a big bag of smokehouse almonds too. I blame the incessant ad campaign blue diamond has during mariners games on the radio, but think a lot of it is also after-effects of my dad's heart attack a couple months ago. this is just weird because normally I'm not a nut person. I'll eat cashews or pistachios, maybe peanuts, but that's it.

I've been wondering if this rut feeling is permanent. I'm getting to the age where I'm not a kid anymore. hell, I'm nearly thirty, I've been in the workforce full time over five years. I look at my family, and they're not social either. my sister and her husband have three kids, so their entire lives revolve around kids and work. my parents know a few couples that they see a few times a year, but otherwise it's just them and family. I wonder if this is miyuki's and my fate. neither of us are overly social. there are a few people we see on a somewhat regular basis in seattle, but I have a feeling when she moves down, it'll mostly just be us and the cats.

I'm actually getting to the point where I feel out of place in gatherings. I don't know if it's just my little cycle and I'm ostracising myself (which I am) that makes things awkward, or if it's that I don't drink as much anymore, or if I'm just getting old. parties don't appeal to me much anymore. I just feel like I'm settling into a grown-up routine, and I damn well better accept it 'cos it won't be changing. and the sad bit is, I'm so apathetic to the idea I'll probably just let it wash over me, and I'll wake up tomorrow at age 60...

but hey, at least my heart should be okay from all the soy beans, fish and almonds...

is that a rocket in your pocket?

boss rode his new bike into work today. I knew he had bought a motorcycle, had heard someone mention it... I'm a bit surprised, tho.

a bit of background on boss... he's 6'2, probably 240 pounds. big white guy. grew up on the washington coast, he's got a medium-wide redneck streak to him. so I figured he'd buy a harley, or at least a harley knock-off.

he's got a bright silver crotch rocket. the kind of bike you'd expect to see a 140 pound asian guy riding. I can't even begin to picture him on it...

and of course, he's got it parked right next to the front door. he parks his car on the far side of the building, obsctructed from view (I suspect this is so people won't know he's here). so he's showing off his new penis extension.

sigh. I want a vespa. 'cos really, could anyone imagine me on a real motorcycle? a 150cc vespa suits me much better...

golf and beer: the two greatest four letter words.

so after work a few of us hit the driving range. couple of the warehouse monkeys and I planned to go golfing at a pitch and putt this summer, but we wanted to make sure we were all up to it, particularly slappy, who hasn't played before.

slappy is better than I am. this is bad.

boss went along, because he had several tokens to use at the driving range, so we got free buckets of balls. I'm all for that. I hit probably 100 balls, shanked two thirds of them, and may have had twenty legitmately good shots, none more than 150 yards. granted, it was irons only 'cos we were on the upper floor, but still. I suck.

afterwards a few of us hit the bar right up the road from my new apartment, but it ended up just being me and one other guy. he's leaving the join the air force soon, so we were talking about work in a very relaxed environment. lots of gossip too. he used to be buddy-buddy with the dispatch skank who may or may not be boinking boss. so we were swapping stories there. and I've decided mac n jacks is brilliantly awesome beer. unfortunately, it can only be acquired in bars or in half gallon bottles at the brewery (right up the road from my work in redmond). and it's STRONG shit. two pints had me stumbling to the washroom.

since I was far too buzzed to drive home (a whole half mile, too), we went for pho. there's a pho place next to the bar. this is awesome. they don't have tofu tho, and it's kinda spendy. still tasty. and they have vietnamese sammiches for $3, which I'll have to try. next time I have a beer drinking visitor I'll need a jug of mac n jacks, too. four pints would probably put me in a coma, I'll dfinitely need help.

it's so weird to go out after work, I wish I could afford to do so more often. as it is now, I gotta go to bed soon. stupid have to get up at the asscrack of dawn to take my car into the shop before work...

city of dis.

peter pointed this out, and it's so spot on it's ridiculous. it's the reason I love seattle so much. people are polite and everything, but the friendliness is only skin deep. no one actually gives a shit about anyone else, and no one expects that of you. smile, make idle chit-chat, and that's all you're obligated to do. it makes for a nice, no hassle existence.

I have my friends that I actually care about and look out for. but then there are the people I run into on the street, at work, at the grocery store... we're polite and faux-friendly to each other, but that's about it. we're all blissfully self-absorbed.

hell, I've lived in four seattle apartments now and I've never known any of my neighbours' names. I barely know my roommate. I find that comforting. I can keep to myself and not be bothered. I like living in a city full of other social retards, none of which know how to interact with each other. it makes me feel normal.

mini-review.

Nirvana by El Bosco is a brilliant song. it's featured in the trailer and closing credit of Millions. I've loved the song since the first time I heard it in the trailer many months ago. granted, it's used much better in the movie, with just the children's chorus and not crappy singing of verses. I wonder which version is used on the soundtrack. don't much care for the version I found in limewire. that's disappointing.

saw millions last night with jenn, and was not disappointed. the kid in it was wonderful, and I actually quite enjoyed all the religious iconography. it was historical without being preachy, and seemed sincere as if from a child's perspective. I do agree with the review I read that stated the subplot involving the robber wasn't necessary, the movie had plenty of internal conflict all on its own. and I need a donkey.

really was a good movie, and it was something that could be a date movie or a family movie night. it had a certain morality to it without being sappy. it's funny, given my recent railings against children and breeding, I can really respect this film. then again, the kid in this was not a typical kid...

not sure if I'll buy it on dvd. not something I'd necessarily watch over and over. might just rent it from netflix so miyuki and I can watch it and call it good.

I feel dirty.

I believe I have just witnessed the post-coital skulking of a redneck mating ritual.

came into work this morning to get in some overtime and get caught up on my cycle counting. well, at least to get less behind on my counting...

get here, and our skeazy white trash female dispatcher's truck is still here. she was supposed to go out drinking with us last night and never made it. now I know why.

there have been murmurs of a forbidden tryst going on between said dispatcher and our boss for several weeks now. furtive glances, conveniently overlapping lunch breaks, special treatments and favoritism, and an unusually large amount of extracurricular activities on boss' part with her (he rarely if ever does anything with any other coworkers outside of work, to maintain his authority I suppose). this kinda seals it tho.

so of course the first thing I did upon arriving here is shrinkwrap her truck. the obvious motive for this is that it's a childish prank. however, the motive I'm sure neither of them picked up, was to stall their skulking ritual. and it worked. I just happened to be walking past the front door as they were preparing to leave. sans-prank, they would have escaped unnoticed, and I would have no proof of their actions.

instead, I have boss' car parked next to her pickup, him wearing sweats (oh, so flattering!) and her appearing to be partaking in the walk of shame, wearing the official team colours of YesterClothes.

this is such a bad idea, I don't even know where to begin. but I have a feeling the sexual harassment lawsuit that was filed last month against on of my boss' fraternal managers, a man who was poking his secretary despite his wife also working for the company, would be a good place to start.

the worst part about this is if they're not capable, the white trash hellspawn their zygotes would combine to form could be enough to kickstart the apocolypse. these are precisely the parental components you do NOT want breeding...

I need to go home and shower. with steel wool.

the selfish gene.

I've got a little deal worked out with the warehouse monkeys that work for me. if they fuck up, and I have to fix their mistake, they owe me a beer. if it's a legitimate problem, I figure that's my job to take care of. but the piddly little shit that they should handle themselves, but make me do, I punish them for.

tonight, I collected some outstanding debts. several beers later, and I'm feeling no pain.

it was noticed, however, that I was the only one in attendance not to have sired an heir. there were seven of us there, all male, and I the only to not have successfully passed on their seed. three are young (30 or younger) and have children out of wedlock, one has a daughter of 15 he has raised, one is in his early sixties and been married three times, the last admitted his two children were losers (one a doper, the other a convicted sex offender). all of them have come to the conclusion I know not what I speak because I have experienced childhood firsthand.

I'm perfectly content with that. I don't mind people telling me it's a copy out to not want children because I can't guarantee they'll turn out okay. I figure I'm a disappointment to my parents for not living up to their expectations, and they're much better parents than I could hope to be. I couldn't handle a child of mine blowing up his or her school, which these days seems a very real threat. but more concerning to me is the fact that I doubt I could love a cheddarbrain. if I somehow sired an idiotchild, I could not live with it. and I've seen other people do this firsthand, they seem to hate their children.

and yet, I've never heard anyone formally state any regrets about their children. this seems odd to me. if parenting a child causes such horrible grief to someone financially, or even physically, why is it they swear they couldn't possibly imagine a better life without the offending sprog?

yet what surprises me most of all is despite my near constant stream of of derogatory things to say about children (I really do hate children, they bother me, and did even when I was a kid), and my reservations about my ability to be a good father, everyone tells me to shut up and breed. why? why would you want to encourage someone who doesn't want or like children, and doubts they could parent one properly, to breed anyway?

lots of weird drunk talk tonight, due to my need to argue everything. it should go without saying that my theory of "suicide is the highest form of autonomy" didn't go over well... everyone agreed that euthanasia of pets is humane, and most even agreed that the euthanasia for people suffering from terminal disease with no hope of cure is also kosher. but a perfectly healthy, rationally thinking person that would rather not live? they're selfish and shouldn't be allowed to die. even after condemning those that decide to paint their bedroom walls using their brains and a shotgun, and making an argument for making your peace with family, friends and loved ones, and killing oneself in a painless and non-traumatic (to the survivors) method... nope, it's selfish. personally, I don't feel people who off themselves are tragic victims. I figure they understand a lot more than we do about what's going on in this world, and they want no part of it. I can understand that.

but then again, I wouldn't want to bring another child into this world. it's a fucked up, nasty place. I'm not saying we should go around killing people against their will, but why discourage the people that want to go of their own volition? and why try to convince those against breeding to contribute to the overpopulation problems?

people are dumb.

the system works.

I feel a bit like a schmuck. kind of, but not really.

a couple months ago, one of our vendor reps came in and gave a demonstration on one of their lines, and offered everyone attending the meeting a free faucet from one of their other lines. idea being we take the faucet home, install it in our house, fall in love with it's greatness, and then sell them to everyone else. any faucet from the catalog, doesn't matter.

I picked a $300 kitchen faucet. it arrived today. very nice stainless steel faucet with a pull-out spray and matching soap dispenser. I have nowhere to put a $300 faucet.

so I took it to the big hardware box store up the street. told them it was a gift and I'd like to return it. no receipt? you'll have to take store credit. $208.00 is their price, plus sales tax. I now have a gift card to big hardware box store with $226.30 on it.

I'm going to turn around and sell it to a coworker for 75 cents on the dollar. he owns a house and buys shit there all the time.

I get $170 cash in my pocket (which I desperately need). coworker gets fifty plus bucks worth of free shit next time he buys something for his house. rep gets good PR because I'm going to be MUCH happier now than I would be with a dumb faucet ('sides, I already have the same brand, albeit twenty years old and crappy). everyone wins except the big faceless corporate hardware store. and even then, they'll just turn around and sell the damn faucet again, they just won't make $40 on this one...

I'm a schmuck. but I don't feel bad for massaging the system to my own benefit. I've got $8 to last me til payday on the fifteenth, I NEED that damn money...

anatomy of a shitty day.

5am alarm. not enough sleep the night before, but have to be at work at 6am for a bullshit meeting.

6am bullshit meeting. nothing happened, no reason to be there. but it's mandatory.

11:30 post office. needed to buy stamps to mail some bills. had nearly exact change for the vending machine, but the coin return was jammed in. the seven dollars in bills went in fine, none of the change would. couldn't get my money back and didn't have enough to put in another bill. ended up with crappy charity stamps, two sacajawea dollars that I can't use anywhere and ten nickels.

noon lunch. tried to buy a mountain dew from the newly stocked vending machine (it was out of dew), using my damn nickels, and am dispensed a bottle of water. we have a water cooler and I can refill my bottles for free. this pisses me off.

5pm home. watch my fantasy baseball pitchers implode and I lose a couple places in the overall standings.

7pm home. listening to the mariners game and it's already not going well...

7:30? I'm going to bed. fuck today.

origin of a paranoid solipsist.

when I was flunking out of college a half dozen years ago, I stumbled across philosophy as a major. it was simultaneously the most interesting and most depressing thing I'd ever studied.

one of the things that piqued my interest was rene descartes "meditations on first philosophy" and my introduction to solipsism. for those who have never heard of this, it's where the "I think, therefore I am" bit comes from. problem is, he did a spectacular job deconstructing the universe as we know it, and then did a half-assed job putting it back together (things must be as they seem, 'cos god's a swell d00d and wouldn't deceive me)...

so solipsism stuck with me. there's something very compelling to the idea of nothing existing outside of my own mind. after all, how can I be sure anything exists? I have no direct connection to anything, merely indirect sensations. the bit about not knowing what's going on in other people's heads was what was most compelling to me. the way I react to things seems far different than how others do, which would add a bit of credibility to the notion that everyone else is merely some sort of automaton. basically, it's like the matrix only without all the guns and no carrie-anne moss in latex.

I've noticed many little coincidences that seem to fuel this theory. not so much the whole deja vu thing, but just uncanny similarities between people. it's like there's a limited number of templates in which to construct people, their looks and personalities. so there's always a bit of overlap, just due to the constraints of what the system is capable of.

there are so many little clues, particularly in the media, about realities within realities. it almost seems as if this is a puzzle to be solved. if there really is nothing other than my own mind, wouldn't it make sense to create these little riddles to solve to keep myself entertained? and of course most of this is dismissed outright, even in the school of philosophy... stumbling blocks to keep me on task, perhaps? after all, wouldn't that be like cheating? or is the solution to the puzzle to discover the solipsist incongruities?

what it seems to boil down to, however, is the sheer ridiculousness of discussing my solipsist theories with other people. if I'm wrong, I look like an idiot. but if I'm right? I'm talking to myself...