sometimes it pays to be an asshole.

I heard back regarding my directv fiasco. a girl from the office of the president just called. not only do I not have to pay the $300 cancellation fee, THEY OWE ME MONEY.

they're going to issue me a refund in eight weeks for the $29.12 balance I had from my last payment. that doesn't quite cover the nearly half of the $130 nhl center ice package I gave up, but it's a hell of a lot better than having to fork over an extra $300.

I'm satisfied. we now have our $13 a month cable that gives us the local channels, discovery channel and mariners games. we have a $15 netflix account now as well. we're saving $20 a month on our tv bill (not to mention another $70 on phone/internet), and hopefully we won't waste as much time in front of the idiot box to boot.

in other news, I ended up with a harebrained scheme in my head over the weekend, and I can't shake it. we drove south for the weekend to spend time with my family. I got the usual guilt trip from my mom and sister and nana for not visiting enough. I also got to hear all about how much nana's life sucks because she's all alone and never gets out and no one has time to run her around. my dad, jokingly, said I should move in with her. she refuses to move into a home, since there is nothing wrong with her health, but she is getting frail and is afraid of being alone in case she falls or something.

it's actually not a half bad idea. she has a three bedroom house. it's in vancouver, wa, which is an armpit of a town, but it's close to portland. it's also REALLY close to my family. I could very easily transfer down there at my current job, and miyuki could even get away with not working if she wanted, or taking a part time job that she'd enjoy, since we wouldn't need the extra income. we'd have enough room for guests if they wanted to stay (there's a nice train ride from vancouver, bc for her family or friends that visited), and it would provide nana with some sorely needed social interaction. ideally, miyuki would even be freed up enough that she could chauffeur nana around to her various appointments she needs to go to (my mom is run ragged trying to work full time and take care of her mother). this would of course mean miyuki would need a car, and nana would likely make the car payments for her taxi (she's fairly well off). my dad figures I'd just be doing it to suck up (she doesn't like him, and I'm her favourite), but it actually would be a beneficial situation for everyone. we could afford to save a shitload of money (for an eventual return trip to canada), nana's quality of life would improve greatly, and my family would see more of us. trips north wouldn't even need to be endangered, as we'd likely just train up there and save me the hassle of driving.

there are some obvious downsides... most of all is living with nana. she can be downright nasty at times (as my dad so eloquently puts it, "she's a bitch!"), but she's usually nicer to me (see above re: favourite). there's also the matter of living in vancouver. it's a white trash town. there are certain finer aspects of life we'd miss out on (indie movie theatres, gourmet pizza, mac & jacks african amber ale, etc). but assuming we'd be down there five years, we would save roughly $50,000 in rent over that span. that's huge.

right now it's just a pipe dream. I get obsessed with stuff like this, of ways of securing a better future and all that. there's about a 95% chance this would NEVER happen. but for now, it's fun to think about. I like the idea of living in a house. possibly even inheriting it (and forgoing my share of the estate otherwise). I would feel a little bit bad about taking a house, like it would be some sort of charity, but the fact is everyone else in my family already owns their own houses. and to assuage my guilt, I'd want to move in with nana and help take care of her, to feel as tho I'd be "earning" my stake. I always try to spend at least a couple hours visiting when we're down, but we're only down there once a month or so. while that's still more time than my sister or dad spends with her, it doesn't seem like much. I do feel bad at times for being so far away, not only from nana, but also from my nephews. my sister is constantly flipping me crap for not being around her kids enough.

we'll see what happens. if anyone else actually takes the idea seriously, we'd consider it. for now, it's just something to keep my mind occupied...

one more reason to hate humanity in general...

I check craigslist's strictly platonic section a few times a week. we've made some new friends that way, so I thought I'd keep at it just to diversify our lot. unfortunately, I keep seeing the same people's ads over and over... one of some frat boy looking for other idiots he can relive his college days with, drinking kegs of beer and lighting his own farts. the other is quote below. I have seen it no less than four times...

"Looking for Gay Hommies - m4m - 30

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Reply to: pers-281371707@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-02-19, 4:05PM PST

To join you'll have to pass a rigorous test. We can't tell you our gang name, street signs, or our colors yet (but think fushcia pink girls), so you'll meet us at an undisclosed location on Capitol Hill.

First, you have to find an unsuspecting straight couple (preferably on a date) and mug them. Take their money, but only grab the wallet or purse if it is Burberry, Fendi, or something comparable. And be sure to mention that you thought [insert whatever the girl was wearing] went out two years ago.

Second, you have to mastermind a huge drug sale. This will be unbelievably easy, since you'll do it with E in the bathroom at Neighbors.

Third, you will be forced to get in a fight with one of the other gang hopefuls. The rest of us will be watching as you wrestle around, and you should be sure to tear some clothing and throw in a few light kisses and moans. I'm visually thinking seancody.com with Oliva Newton's song "Let's Get Physical" in the background.

So if you're tough enough, just email me and we can start our gang. It doesn't matter who you are or what you look like, as long as you are attractive and have a great body."

I responded with this:

"I keep seeing your ad over and over. this leads me to believe one of two things... either you're incredibly impatient, or your ad keeps getting flagged down. I'm tempted to believe it's the latter, as your ad is requesting a "gang" to perform various illegal acts. facetious or not, that sort of shit is just not a good idea...

one other bit of advice? "hommies" isn't a word. do you mean "homies"? also not a word, but at least it's phonetically correct...

try posting variations on your ad, and if you don't get any responses you like, wait a week or three and post something else. patience will make you look less desperate. most people don't troll the CL listings constantly, they just look until they find what they're after. by breaking up your posts by a week or two, you'll end up with a vastly different demographic looking at your ads. "

my reward for honest, constructive criticism? my junk mail folder has received 26 pieces of spam in the last half hour. I used to get about three pieces of spam a WEEK. considering several of them have been opt-in mailing lists addressed to "Christian Dipshit" I have a feeling I know who my culprit is.

I seriously was trying to help this worthless cocksucker. it was annoying to see the same ad over and over (with the same stupid pic from south park), and he obviously wasn't getting any responses. the guy needs brain cancer in the worst fucking way. either that or a swift lobotomy with a cricket bat.

and once again, I loathe all of humanity.

in case I hadn't mentioned it before...

directv sucks ass.

I cancelled the fecking thing. problem is, instead of charging me the $140 they told me I'd owe before, they charged me a full $300 early termination fee. why? because by sending out a REFURBISHED receiver to replace the DEFECTIVE one, they re-upped me for another two year commitment. this is important... I didn't order a new service. in fact, I tried to cancel my service and they convinced me to replace a defective unit... and by doing so, they reset the timer on my two year contract. I owe them $300 to cancel.

I sat on the phone with customer service for half an hour explaining how much horseshit that was. I'm amazed I didn't raise my voice once or even use any profanities. it didn't help.

so what did I do? I wrote a letter. a NASTY one. detailing all the bullshit I've had to put up with over the past eighteen months from that company. oh, and all the times their customer service lied to me. and I mailed it to directv. four times. customer service issues got one. billing disputes got one. complaints got one. and the office of the president of directv got one. I also sent copies to the better business bureau of washington and the washington state attorney general.

and the worst part is? nothing is going to come of this. I'm going to have to pay them $300 or face my credit rating being raped. I'm completely fucking helpless, I've done all I can do. if I tried to hire a lawyer, it would likely cost several times what I allegedly "owe," which doesn't exactly seem like a bargain.

oddly enough, I called to cancel our phone service and had no difficulties whatsoever. they made one attempt to change my mind by offering a "retention rate" and when I declined, they set up the termination without incident. I won't owe anything, I just have to return my leased dsl modem in a package they'll send to me.

and when I called to set up the cable modem and tv, they offered me an insurance program that would cover all service calls for a whopping ninety-nine cents per month. $12 a year, and I never have to pay for service calls when something goes wrong. that's a far cry from the $75 directv tried to charge me each time. and they had to come out four times in eighteen months, on account of their product being so shitty and their technicians not installing anything properly.

it's a sad day when comcast has customer service that makes me weak in the knees. I've hated comcast for years, they suck some serious balls. and yet compared to directv, they treat me like fucking royalty.

I'm forfeiting the last several months of my hockey package, which I paid $140 for. it doesn't matter, the habs suck so hard right now it hurts to watch them. I'll still have CBC on comcast, so I can always watch hockey night in toronto if I want. which I won't. by cancelling directv and qwest, and going with comcast, we're going to be saving about $90 a month. we won't have 150 channels of crap to watch, but to be honest, that's addition by subtraction anyway. we waste so much time watching crap on cable, we really should be doing better things anyway.

I hate the fucking world. I'm still waiting for that comet to wipe out the human race.

oops.

we set up a play date last night for felix, our three year old tabby. ann and jules just got a cat, and we thought felix might enjoy meeting him. we knew saku was far too entrenched in his ways to cope with going to a new apartment AND meeting a new cat, but felix is generally a tad more brave/stupid, and is really good with new people.

we went over to their place to watch the illusionist. felix spent the entire time cowering under the couch, behind the toilet, etc. when I did finally pull him out, he cowered behind me. that's the only time I've ever heard him hiss or growl. he hissed more of less constantly. the plan was to leave him there overnight, possibly even for the entire weekend, so that roscoe could be socialised to other cats. roscoe was fine, he was just curious about the new guy. felix was a little bitch.

chalk that up to lack of cat psychology 101 experience.