origin of a paranoid solipsist.

when I was flunking out of college a half dozen years ago, I stumbled across philosophy as a major. it was simultaneously the most interesting and most depressing thing I'd ever studied.

one of the things that piqued my interest was rene descartes "meditations on first philosophy" and my introduction to solipsism. for those who have never heard of this, it's where the "I think, therefore I am" bit comes from. problem is, he did a spectacular job deconstructing the universe as we know it, and then did a half-assed job putting it back together (things must be as they seem, 'cos god's a swell d00d and wouldn't deceive me)...

so solipsism stuck with me. there's something very compelling to the idea of nothing existing outside of my own mind. after all, how can I be sure anything exists? I have no direct connection to anything, merely indirect sensations. the bit about not knowing what's going on in other people's heads was what was most compelling to me. the way I react to things seems far different than how others do, which would add a bit of credibility to the notion that everyone else is merely some sort of automaton. basically, it's like the matrix only without all the guns and no carrie-anne moss in latex.

I've noticed many little coincidences that seem to fuel this theory. not so much the whole deja vu thing, but just uncanny similarities between people. it's like there's a limited number of templates in which to construct people, their looks and personalities. so there's always a bit of overlap, just due to the constraints of what the system is capable of.

there are so many little clues, particularly in the media, about realities within realities. it almost seems as if this is a puzzle to be solved. if there really is nothing other than my own mind, wouldn't it make sense to create these little riddles to solve to keep myself entertained? and of course most of this is dismissed outright, even in the school of philosophy... stumbling blocks to keep me on task, perhaps? after all, wouldn't that be like cheating? or is the solution to the puzzle to discover the solipsist incongruities?

what it seems to boil down to, however, is the sheer ridiculousness of discussing my solipsist theories with other people. if I'm wrong, I look like an idiot. but if I'm right? I'm talking to myself...