I'm an asshole.

my grandma died last night. she'd been in hospice and was essentially brain dead for the past week or so. she was also gravely ill a few weeks back with a nasty noro-like virus that was around her rest home and killed over a dozen people. she didn't die because my idiot mooch uncle saw his gravy train drying up and guilted my aunt into taking her to the hospital to have fluids pumped into her, thus prolonging her meaningless life (which was mostly in a coma anyway) for another three weeks. in her few brief moments of lucidity, she looked confused and perplexed. she's been completely senile for years now. it's basically a mockery of the whole "compassionate life" bullshit that people in my country are so fond of.

a few hours before she died, it was obvious she was in her last day or two, so the family ordered a casket. from fucking costco. it'll arrive tuesday or wednesday.

problem is, her church has vacation bible school all next week. they can't do the funeral then. a funeral home is out, because she was so devoutly religious. another church is out as well, as she had attended this one church for over 40 years. which means it will be saturday, unless there's a wedding scheduled. I really hope there's a wedding scheduled.

you see, next weekend is a REALLY bad weekend for a funeral for me. not that I like funerals anyway, but next weekend is about the worst weekend possible. miyuki got us mariners tickets for my birthday, we're supposed to go to the game friday night. then my friend BJ is coming down saturday for a weekend of up-bucking, since he's had a rough go of things lately. we'd been trying to coordinate him coming down for at least two months, and that weekend was the only one that worked. and it worked beautifully. we're not going to have another window of opportunity, and the ticket has already been bought. not to mention I've rounded up a small posse of friends who are REALLY hard to get ahold of...

so basically, if the funeral is gonna happen next weekend, I'm not going to go. I never liked my grandmother anyway, she was VERY conservative and not very nice. my dad hated her, moved out on his 18th birthday. in fact, where is he right now? he's on a fishing trip in canada. knowing full well she was on her deathbed, he went fishing. when they put her into hospice last week, he went golfing. yet for the funeral, he's going to expect me to be there, in the front row, pretending to be sad. right next to him, pretending just as hard. and if I don't go, I will NEVER hear the end of it. he will give me shit about it to his dying day.

I hate funerals. especially for people I don't care about. ironically enough, the people I do care about don't want funerals. when my mom's dad, booboo died, there was no funeral. her mom doesn't want a funeral. my parents don't want funerals. my sister might, but she's still so far off she could very well change her mind.

everyone seems to think I'm an ass because I'd rather dot he stuff I'd had planned for weeks or months than go to a dumb funeral. I think the only reason this bothers me is because it's actually quite an easy decision to make, and I feel like I should feel guilty about that. does that even make sense? feeling bad because I don't feel bad?