"OW!" is not a safeword.

I have survived my first santacon! it was touch and go for awhile there.

I picked up piper and his friend at their hotel around 11:15, and we headed back to my place to get changed into our santa suits. we had pho for lunch. and seeing as it was a peer pressure weekend, I managed to get myself into a hot oil pissing contest. there are no winners when it comes to adding unnecessary heat to food, and I lost anyway. I had by far the least hot oil added, and still ended up in the most pain. I think I even got some in my eye. when we left, I forgot my white santa gloves at the restaurant. first casualty of the day.

after lunch, we ventured out in search of the other santii. I was only vaguely sure where we were going, which got me much shit. "wait, don't you LIVE here?!" I also was chastised for not following the rules when someone asked if there was a santa convention or something. I just smiled, and I guess I nodded a bit. big no-no. from that point on, I stuck to the official party line when people asked. I usually jusy played dumb... someone approaches me out of two hundred santas, asks why we're all dressed up.... blank look, "what do you mean?" another good one was "why AREN'T you dressed up?"

had a shot of jagermeister, again peer pressure being a bitch. we then left the smoke shop and made our way towards archie mcphee. the red bull car showed up and much free red bull was imbibed. this was 1:30, and it would end up being the last nutritive thing I'd ingest the rest of the day.

after archie mcphee, and harassing a meter maid out front, we made our way to the old pequliar. my fave ballard bar, it was also the only one I would make it to. ironic, no? I keep meaning to visit the dozen or so ballard bars I've never been to, and I don't even last long enough for the pub crawl. anyway, at the P someone handed me a pitcher of newcastle, so I drank some of that. mostly I stayed outside the bar and rang my bell at traffic. I was amazed to be the only santa with a bell. one of those really annoying salvation army type bells too. while we were waving at traffic, some cars had their windows down so we gave out candy canes. in the highlight of my day, I likely destroyed the spirit of xmas for some little kid who will now require years of therapy... a car was driving by about 10mph, kid in the front seat with with the window down... so I lobbed a candy cane in the car, perfect arc and anything. only the kid didn't catch it. it hit him right in the forehead, and shattered. piper immediately pointed at me and started shouting "NAUGHTY!" so of course I pointed to the guy next to me and did the same, just to shift the blame. it was beautiful. I can just imagine being in a police lineup with five other santas... "can you pick out the bastard who did this to you?"

after the pequliar it was bowling. and I was drunk by this point. my listerine bottle was nearly empty. it originally contained a 375mL mickey of 100 proof rumpleminze. piper changed the price of gas at the gas station we walked past. twice. I ended up with the six, he got the three. bowling while drunk is really difficult. turns out I'm REALLY good at hitting the ten pin and nothing else.

at the bowling alley was where things got weird tho. after our game was done, I was talking with piper and a couple of his friends. they were asking why I had a "nice" sticker one, and I said it was because it was my first santacon, and I'm a fairly boring person compared to the burning man freaky-freaky crowd that was there. somehow they took this as an invitation to initiate me. I have at least ten distinct bite marks. arms, shoulders, back, even one on my thigh. these aren't your normal bitemarks either, the playful biting I'm used to. these bruises are going to be here for a long time. and I don't even bruise normally. they even still HURT. the first layer of skin is even broken in a couple of places, despite having two layers of clothing on at the time. when I was screaming "OW!" the whole time, they just kept saying, "if you want us to stop, just say the safeword." seeing as they didn't tell me a safeword, I thought "OW!" would have been sufficient. at the end they told me, I can't even remember what it was. "banana" or something. that's where I learned I am definitely not a masochist.

at this point I stumbled home. miyuki laughed at me, took a couple pictures (they'll follow later), I drank some water, disrobed to my undies and went to bed. this was at 5:30pm. I got up three times to vomit and drink more water. turns out that was the problem. each time I drank water, I had to vomit. so I finally just went to bed. got up three hours later, drank a liter of water. repeated the process another three hours later. after twelve hours of restless sleep, I'm feeling mostly alive.

piper wants me to head down to portland next weekend for their santacon. oh no. I don't even want to think about booze for a long time. last night will forever be up there with some of my all-time great drunks. and they've all taken at least a month to get over completely.

I'm wondering where I fit in yesterday as well. for the most part, it was freaky burning man types. but there were some normal people there too, even old normal people. santa suits ranging from fairly nice professional suits to a santa bathrobe to one girl wearing red chaps and panties. there were more girls there than I expected, but it was still mostly a sausage fest. and most of the girls seemed to be enjoying the attention, if you know what I mean.

final verdict, will I go again next year? probably. but I'm definitely sticking to beer in actual bars next time. liquor gets me in trouble ever damn time I drink it.