eighteen kinds of suck.

something has got to change, and soon.

I was in bed at 6pm last night. I just couldn't cope with the day anymore. I had a truly brutal day at work, which I had half expected... what with leaving early friday to take miyuki to homey security, I knew there was a lot left undone. I just didn't know HOW bad it was going to be.

I had fifteen emails waiting for me. by 9am, I had seven voice mails. I had to drive to bellevue to help a large customer sort through a botched delivery we made. I had people harassing me all day with really stupid "favours" (hey, my buddy wants a sink, can you hook him up with the 'brother' discount?) I'm trying to coordinate a two million dollar condo job, and several other six figure jobs, dealing with a warehouse that doesn't give a shit about picking material properly or delivering it on time, appeasing customers with preposterous expectations, and I'm supposed to drop everything to help your BUDDY find a hundred dollar sink for his house? call a fucking showroom.

my job normally isn't that difficult. there are some challenges, sure, but it's all easily handled. it's been my attitude lately. and not just with work. paul pointed out my blood lust for minor insults and petty sleights is out of proportion to reality.

I stopped using the testosterone months ago because miyuki pointed out I had "teh rage"... when she had to physically restrain me from smashing the guitar hero controller out of frustration, I figured she had a point.

but my temperament hasn't improved much. we started going to the gym 3-4 times a week, but have tailed off recently. it's been over a week since we've gone. the motivation just isn't there, it's been too easy to find other excuses not to go. at first I wanted to go, and made the effort to make sure we went whenever we could. now I just don't give a shit.

this isn't a new thing. for years I've been lamenting to doctors about the various symptoms... feeling run down all the time, not being social, not having patience for those around me, contempt for everyone around me, etc. several times they've tried to send me off the therapists and whatnot. I went a couple times in college. I tried taking zoloft for a couple days in my early 20s, and ended up with such horrible migraines that I swore I'd never take "happy pills" again. now the idea of therapy just seems like too much trouble and expense. and I don't like the side effects of medication... seems like best case scenario, you get a lobotomy in pill form, cutting out the lows AND the highs.

I really don't think I'm depressed. for the most part I'm happy, sarcastic, and pretty easy to please. it's just that I also succumb to easily to pressures around me. I've always argued that "ignorance is bliss" has an equal and opposite corollary... and there have been many times I have wished I could have been a member of the idiot masses, oblivious to all the shit around me. but I'm not. it's too easy to recognise all the horrible things wrong with the world, all of the ways people are stupid and selfish and make everything worse for everyone else. the idea that bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people.

I've wondered if I could ever just find religion and forget about all the bad stuff, I'd be happy. it seems to easy for everyone around me. they just ignore the bad stuff and pretend good stuff exists. but then again, these people are supremely entertained by reality television and don't believe in global warming, so do I REALLY want to have to dumb myself down that much to be happy? is that even being alive anymore?